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Monday, December 7, 2009

Yesterday



A year ago yesterday...God blessed us with two precious girls.  Yesterday was full of memories of that day.  I can't believe that my twins are one year old!  Feels like just yesterday we were bringing them home right before Christmas.

Yesterday was a really emotional day for me.  Well, really the past few days have been emotional.  A year ago yesterday was one of the best and one of the worst days of my life.  It was a day full of joy, but also a day full of pain.  Pain that I had never experienced before.  It was both physical and emotional.  Still, as I think back on that traumatic day a year ago, it is hard to keep back the tears.  It is hard to fight back the anger.  It is hard to understand why God allowed things to happen the way that He did.  It is hard to trust that He is sovereign.  But I know that He is, and He has been my strength through it all.

To make a long story short, I went into labor early and after laboring at home for a while, we headed in to our local hospital and where I was attended by the doctor on call.  That doctor was not a good doctor.  What followed was a traumatic experience at the hands of a doctor I could not trust.  We were lied to, and we were treated terribly.  I ended up with both a natural birth and a c-section.  I cannot stress enough that a c-section is no small ordeal.  The healing process was long and very painful.  And even more so because we believe that it was totally unnecessary.  But I'm getting off track.  I just don't want to see anyone choose that route just because they are told it isn't a big deal.  I've heard so many people say, "The baby is alive and healthy and that is all that matters."  But that isn't true.  The emotional and physical healing that the mom has to go through is huge and it does matter.  At least that is my two cents.  You can take it or leave it.

I feel like I haven't totally processed all of this yet, even though it has been a year.  I think I just keep pushing it to the back of my brain because it is still so painful to think about.  But at the same time it is hard to forget about.  I'll always have a scar as a physical reminder.  When I do think about that day, I always end up sort of on the same thought train.  I end up with the realization that I won't ever fully understand it, that I must continue to forgive and move on, that God is sovereign and faithful no matter what, that it is about His glory.  As long as we are on this earth I do not think we will ever understand why everything happens the way that it does.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD.  'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"

I think about Job.  I think about all that he went through.  All that God allowed him to go through.  For seemingly no reason, a faithful man was bombarded with extreme physical and emotional pain.  And through it all, not only did he not curse God, but He chose to praise God.  He couldn't understand God's plan, but God was there nonetheless.  And God was glorified through Job's praise.

I want to be like that.  I want to be full of that unspeakable joy despite the pain that I have been through.  I want for others to see peace and joy on my face.  I want them to see the evidence of God's faithfulness.  Through pain and trials we can press on.  Philippians 4:13 says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

5 comments:

Heather said...

I see unspeakable joy in you daily my friend. Love you and praising God for those precious babies!

Joyful Wife said...

Dear sis,

I am so touched by the woman that you are and what a wonderful mother you are, you are a continual example to me.

I keep remembering the week you were at my house and how you had your hands overfilled with you sweet little ones and yet I not only never heard you complain but you somehow found time to serve me and encourage me at a time when I really needed it.

I am praying that God will heal your hurting heart and give you peace about the twins birth. And since I see so much joy in you already I will pray that God will increase it for His glory.

Love you,
Shannon

SnoWhite said...

Wow, Sarah, thank you for sharing your journey. I pray that God brings you to a place where the day of your daughter's birth is celebrated with only joy! I believe He will do this for you.

Amy said...

Sarah you are so blessed with healthy, beautiful girls! You are so joyful! I pray that your next birth is a much better experience. I feel so bad that the birth of your twins is not something you can look back on joyfully. I delivered at the same hospital (must have been a different doctor... no doubt about that!) and had a great experience. I was fully in charge of what was going on, not the doctor. I can completely understand why this is still emotional for you. I pray that you will be at peace with everything someday. You are an amazing Mom Sarah! I wish I could be half the Mom you are! I know that you will get through this, with God by your side! When you start thinking about the pain and anger you feel from that day, grab those babies and squeeze them and kiss them! Remember that you are so blessed!

Sarah said...

Thank you all for your sweet words!