Yesterday

A year ago yesterday...God blessed us with two precious girls.  Yesterday was full of memories of that day.  I can't believe that my twins are one year old!  Feels like just yesterday we were bringing them home right before Christmas.

Yesterday was a really emotional day for me.  Well, really the past few days have been emotional.  A year ago yesterday was one of the best and one of the worst days of my life.  It was a day full of joy, but also a day full of pain.  Pain that I had never experienced before.  It was both physical and emotional.  Still, as I think back on that traumatic day a year ago, it is hard to keep back the tears.  It is hard to fight back the anger.  It is hard to understand why God allowed things to happen the way that He did.  It is hard to trust that He is sovereign.  But I know that He is, and He has been my strength through it all.

To make a long story short, I went into labor early and after laboring at home for a while, we headed in to our local hospital and where I was attended by the doctor on call.  That doctor was not a good doctor.  What followed was a traumatic experience at the hands of a doctor I could not trust.  We were lied to, and we were treated terribly.  I ended up with both a natural birth and a c-section.  I cannot stress enough that a c-section is no small ordeal.  The healing process was long and very painful.  And even more so because we believe that it was totally unnecessary.  But I'm getting off track.  I just don't want to see anyone choose that route just because they are told it isn't a big deal.  I've heard so many people say, "The baby is alive and healthy and that is all that matters."  But that isn't true.  The emotional and physical healing that the mom has to go through is huge and it does matter.  At least that is my two cents.  You can take it or leave it.

I feel like I haven't totally processed all of this yet, even though it has been a year.  I think I just keep pushing it to the back of my brain because it is still so painful to think about.  But at the same time it is hard to forget about.  I'll always have a scar as a physical reminder.  When I do think about that day, I always end up sort of on the same thought train.  I end up with the realization that I won't ever fully understand it, that I must continue to forgive and move on, that God is sovereign and faithful no matter what, that it is about His glory.  As long as we are on this earth I do not think we will ever understand why everything happens the way that it does.  Isaiah 55:8-9 says "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD.  'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"

I think about Job.  I think about all that he went through.  All that God allowed him to go through.  For seemingly no reason, a faithful man was bombarded with extreme physical and emotional pain.  And through it all, not only did he not curse God, but He chose to praise God.  He couldn't understand God's plan, but God was there nonetheless.  And God was glorified through Job's praise.

I want to be like that.  I want to be full of that unspeakable joy despite the pain that I have been through.  I want for others to see peace and joy on my face.  I want them to see the evidence of God's faithfulness.  Through pain and trials we can press on.  Philippians 4:13 says "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18